AP #18 Confrontation and Criticism

Criticism and confrontation are two elements of life that can hurt us, grow us, frustrate us, cause anxiety, make teams, break teams, be the problem, and be the solution. This is an area of my life that I have always struggled with. This was for various reasons, but ultimately it came down to pride and being a people pleaser. Humans are very social and dependent on each other in almost every career, family, and community, so confrontation and criticism are unavoidable. This is why it is vital to understand that these are skills we must learn. When we see them as skills, we accept that they are areas we can grow in and develop, instead of gifts that we either have or do not have.

Confrontation is unavoidable. Any time there is an interaction of two or more people and discourse of any kind occurs, confrontation follows. This can be a coworker saying something hurtful, a family member making a decision you disagree with, a boss or employee making a bad decision, or a spouse saying or doing something that is unexpected or seems wrong.

However, that does not make confrontation itself bad. When handled correctly, it is a tool to instantly get better, solve problems, find solutions, redirect, and build. When handled incorrectly or avoided altogether, the opposite occurs. Teaching, coaching, and administration all require confrontation. Throughout my career, I have noticed several elements that have helped me navigate confrontation with students, colleagues, supervisors, parents, and family.

Tips to Handling Confrontation

Handle it in a timely manner. Twenty four hours is a good rule of thumb, but two days is the longest I would wait in most situations. This gives you time to remove the immediate knee jerk emotional reaction and consult a mentor or others on the topic. Not addressing it only hurts you and builds emotional tension.

Do not assume anything. Get clarification. Assuming others’ intent and reasoning can be harmful and create false narratives in your head. Understand that there is a reason that person did what they did. It may not be a good reason, but there is a reason. Trying to understand why helps you process the information. You can simply ask, “When you said X, what did you mean by that? Because I took it this way.”

Remove emotion when communicating. This is the most difficult part. That does not mean you cannot discuss how the discourse affected you emotionally. It means you are not using emotion to drive the conversation.

Be crystal clear with your reasoning, intent, and purpose. This could involve addressing a coworker who made a comment that upset you, a decision your supervisor made that you do not agree with, or a disagreement with family about how something was handled.

Treat these confrontations as if there is a hidden lesson or opportunity to learn something. If you can ask good questions, communicate clearly, and seek resolution, then you have cracked a code to learning more about yourself, the other person, humanity, or the team. This does not mean there is always a resolution or even something valuable to learn beyond how to better deal with irrational or hurtful people.

Confrontation, when handled correctly, advances the mission of a team, heals and repairs relationships, and keeps negative emotions like resentment and anger out of your head. When you do not handle confrontation correctly, it does the opposite. When you avoid it altogether, you harbor all the frustration and negative emotion while the other person may never even know it affected you.

The best book on this topic that I have read is Crucial Conversations By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, I know it may sound boring, but it forever changed how I handle confrontation and almost every professional conversation after I read it.

Criticism

I have struggled with criticism all of my life, and I still have to keep myself in check when it happens. Criticism can be a very powerful tool to improve yourself, others, and teams. If someone says, “You should…,” it can create a few different emotions and outcomes. If you are receiving criticism, it can feel like a blessing or an attack. If you get one on one coaching from Stephen Curry to help you with shooting a basketball, it is easy to stop, listen, and say thank you. If you are receiving parenting advice from a random stranger on how to make your kids act better in public, put the gloves on because it is about to go down. Here are some simple truths about criticism.

Pride prevents improvement. If you are prideful and unwilling to take criticism and use it to get better, you are only hurting yourself. Not taking advice, or at least hearing and considering it, does not hurt anyone but you.

It is information or misinformation. If someone is criticizing you, remove all subjectivity from the situation and ask, are they correct? If they are, listen and use it. If not, say thank you and move on. If you are not sure, ask questions and research it.

The who matters. Who are you to give advice on the subject? You either need a strong relationship with that person or the expertise to help. I will take financial advice from successful financial investors. I will not take advice from a distant cousin on selling crypto when he has only been doing it for a month. Generally speaking, take advice from people I respect, who have experience, or who offer unique insight but anyone has the ability to give sound advice.

Also, who are you to them? Should you criticize them? If you do not have a solid relationship, authority, or expertise, then you probably should not give criticism unless asked.

It is your fault if it bothers you. Your emotional reaction is always in your control. You do not have to take the criticism, but you also do not have to let it bother you.

There is always something to learn. You can learn from the person giving the criticism. You can learn about them and why they have insight on the subject. You can develop a relationship and learn their intent. You can learn about their perspective on you and how you are projecting yourself to them. You can try it out and see if it works. You can research the advice given.

Once again, I have struggled here. I am still kicking myself for how I reacted to others giving me advice for the first twenty five years of my life. But once I put my pride away, shut my mouth, and started listening, I grew exponentially. I have actually started seeking criticism in many cases. I have received criticism, learned, and improved from supervisors, head coaches, colleagues, family, friends, parents, janitors, students, my kids, and strangers. I am also trying to develop discernment. It does not have to affect me emotionally. I do not have to take and use everything everyone tells me to do, but I also should not ever assume I know better than everyone either.

Biblical Confrontation and Criticism

There are a few Bible verses that come to mind when it comes to this subject, listed below. If we are proclaiming Christ, then we have added responsibility in how we handle confrontation and criticism. We are also in a predicament because we are not expected to speak falsely or tolerate lies or injustice. We live by a different set of rules than the world. The Bible tells us not to be quarrelsome, meaning arguing over meaningless matters, and to combat evil, speak truth, and correct others.

Even the phrase “Christians correcting others” creates defenses and walls in our society, which I completely understand because Christians have messed this up so many times before. But what is the expectation for how we interact with others, especially in confrontations, disagreements, or when giving criticism?

Discourse, disagreements, and confrontations are some of the best opportunities to show others Jesus. They are also some of the fastest ways to drive people away from Christianity. When someone is intentionally confronting you and trying to hurt you, they are often trying to provoke a worldly response of shame, guilt, anger, or sadness. When we respond in a loving, gentle, or peaceful way, we act like Jesus and not like the world. That person now has a physical example and may be one of the few they ever encounter. That does not mean it will not lead to pain or difficult emotions. It will. Speaking truth and confronting others with love and grace still led Jesus to the cross. That same evil is in this world today.

Confrontation has led to some of the best opportunities in my life to show the fruit of the Spirit. Confrontations with angry parents, lost students, upset colleagues, and strangers have allowed me to respond with kindness and gentleness while still standing on truth and my values. I still miss the mark often, but before surrendering my life to Jesus, I was a prideful hothead ready to argue and hurt others in any confrontation. As Christians, every human interaction matters. It can showcase the qualities of Jesus at work in our lives or expose the hypocrisy of our human nature. We should act as if the spotlight is always on us, because someone may in fact be watching to see how a follower of Jesus responds.

This is where confrontation shifts into criticism. By definition, criticism is the analysis, evaluation, or judgment of the merits and faults of a person, work, or idea. At some point, Christians should lovingly tell others when they are missing the mark and offer the gift of following Jesus. Scripture does not tell us to impose or force our will on others. We are called to go and make disciples, meaning followers of Jesus.

This is a very fine and difficult line to walk, and it is impossible to do in our own strength. Jesus did not avoid confrontation or criticism. He approached it with love and truth, not avoidance or tolerance of sin, evil, or lies.

The scriptures below outline how we are to address others. They set a high expectation for gentleness and responsibility and warn against quarreling and anger. We cant always live to these standards but we can point others to the one who did, Jesus. We must know His story and create interactions marked by gentleness if we want a chance to open ears, minds, and hearts.

Galatians 6:1 (ESV): “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”

Titus 3:2 (ESV): “To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”

2 Timothy 2:24–25 (ESV): “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone… correcting his opponents with gentleness.”

Proverbs 15:1 (NIV): “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV): “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Reflective Questions